The Scholastic train have been traveling steadily for millennia on the single line of Knowledge crossing the vast Valley of Ignorance. The passengers wearing symbols of authority showing their rank in the scholastic hierarchy reclaimed the land of Ignorance around them for the Kingdom of Knowledge and added them to their map. In this masterpiece of human wisdom, major academic real estate such as Physics, Metaphysics, Ethics, Morals, Philosophy and Logic were carefully outlined.

Each scholastic master was the absolute ruler of the academic land he discovered and protected his academic birthright with vigorous jealousy. Border disputes sometimes leading to major academic wars were commonplace. In academia border disputes is the best way to get work done and publish your disputes as scientific discovery. The frequent disputes about where Physics ended and where Metaphysics started yielded important scientific commentary. Another perennial topic was to discuss the value of these lands. The most senior and authoritative Doctor ruled the most valuable land and also dominated the scholastic universe. Hence, the hierarchical order of scholastic fields was of vital importance to human knowledge. Did Logic come before Philosophy? Was Ethics prior to Morals?

These prolific bureaucrats of knowledge produced so much paper that even though the scholastic knowledge map represented the total human wisdom no one Doctor understood Human Knowledge in its entirety. This was because the quantity was unfathomable in a lifetime but also each Doctor took great professional pleasure in hiding his knowledge capital in order to strike a posture of total wisdom.

As the train traveled Doctors passed the time by arguing about hair splitting details of scholastic labels, borders and orders they invented and wrote their commentary and filed them in the Library. They took pride in increasing the load of the scholastic Knowledge carried by the train. This was where the publish or perish principle was first established. The poor Doctor who could not publish was let to perish by having him step into the cold dark Valley of Ignorance.

One day the peaceful academic routine was broken when passengers were surprised to see the line split in two near the horizon. Having always traveled on single tracks Doctors believed that academic scholasticism was the only possible knowledge. As the train approached the split the scholastics convened a crisis meeting.

The fate of the train was later documented by the Newtonist historians in great detail. They tell us that the academic train was approaching the famous Galilean fork. The new line was the experimental and scientific knowledge established by Newton and the old tracks were the main line of the academic scholasticism which was now reduced to a belief system. The academic train entered the fork with its full load of Aristotelian Commentary filed meticulously in the 700 Library cars and could not adjust to the new experimental knowledge and derailed. After Galileo’s death, the myth continued, a new and pristine train appeared in the scientific tracks. The gilded letters on the engine described it as the Newtonian Universal Force of Attraction.

The Newtonist historians like to note that by dying on the calendar year Newton was born Galileo symbolically designated Newton as the sole legitimate heir to the Scientific Revolution he started. True to his legacy Newton became Scientific Revolution in person and spirit and led the knowledge train to unbelievable discoveries. Upon his retirement he left the controls of the train to the Newtonist Doctors who in turn made many brilliant Newtonist discoveries in the form of Newtonian commentary. In this mythological version of history Newton is a superhuman genius who has made all past and future scientific discoveries in person or by proxy. Every scientist who lived before Newton is a mere preparation for Newton the demi-god and every scientist who had the misfortune to be born after Newton’s demi-death was left with nothing to discover and was reduced to writing commentary on Newton’s work. Even Thales, the father of scientific thought, was able to conceive of a primitive kind of science because he was an early Newtonian and therefore it was Newton not Thales who predicted the first solar eclipse.

There are always some independent thinkers who question the prevalent myths. One such person was a graphic designer from New York who read about history in his free time in New York’s famous public library system. Having located an old map showing the Galilean fork on the tracks of Knowledge he set out for a field trip to investigate and find out for himself if this absurd and fantastic version of history was indeed true. What was the true fate of the scholastic train? During his field trip to the Galilean fork the Designer could find neither a wreck nor a sign of derailment. He saw that the lines did not branch in two, but the Galilean experimental tradition came from one side of the tracks and passed to the other side as proved by rusted old tracks now covered with dirt and weeds. The scholastic train must have continued without interruption on its old tracks. A few miles before the Galilean fork there was a steam station where the train stopped to replenish the engine’s water supply. The locals told the historian a traditional story which came down from generations ago recounting how the scholastic train stopped there and how after a brief discussion with Doctors a stranger took control of the train.

The scholastics have been academic professionals whose profession was the systematic investigation of Theoretical Knowledge, the only true knowledge according to them. When they saw tracks going in a different direction they panicked. Was there a different kind of knowledge besides scholasticism? Could others use this new knowledge to break the Total Knowledge monopoly established by the scholastics? This was an epistemic crisis of historic proportions. Some Doctors analyzing this matter in depth suggested that this was even more serious than the discovery of the irrational numbers which broke the Pythagoras’ knowledge monopoly. The monolithic scholastic monopoly on human knowledge was in danger of being broken. For a while the scholastics considered sacrificing an elephant to better the Pythagoreans who sacrificed only an ox to save their monopoly. An ox could not propitiate the irrational Gods of Geometry to save Pythagoras’ monopoly who was afterward reduced to being a cult leader of vegetarians. Desperate scholastics only saw a stray cat around and the mangy little creature would be no interest to any Gods with jurisdiction over Scholasticism.

While the scholastic wise men continued their conference on this abominable crisis they saw a stranger appear through the steam displaying the most elaborate wig of authority ever worn by any scholastic: “Greetings most respectful colleagues,” thus talked the stranger with a deep and resonant baritone that would have made him a popular candidate to be the voice of God in movies, “I am the Sir Isaac Newton.” The name “Isaac Newton,” has been a synonym for genius and science since eternity and sent shrills down the scholastic spines as if the stranger said he was the Messiah. Well, if not Messiah, at least, he was the Moses of Mechanics who would be delivering the laws of nature to humankind. As the scholastic doctors studied this wig of knowledge, each baroque curl representing a fundamental discovery of its wearer, Newton’s words came loud and clear over the rhythm of escaping steam: “Dear Minor Masters, I will be your guide and solve your dilemma and take the train of knowledge to the safety of the old tracks and you will all get to do what you have been doing for centuries, namely, adding to the load of Knowledge by your commentaries and commentaries on commentaries.” “Go on,” said the Senior Scholastic Doctor who was identified by the extreme academic regalia he carried on his person. “I am your new Aristotle. Put your worries away. Your profession is safe.”

That was good news. But Salvation of this magnitude did not come cheap: “I am saving your scholastic careers. You will no doubt make me a small favor,” ordered Newton. “As a favor, you will replace Aristotle with Newton in your commentaries. My propaganda professionals will take care of the rest and posterity will record your names as great Newtonian scientists.”

That was unthinkable and horrifying! After a brief pause, Senior Doctor made his usual introductory cough to announce the coming words of wisdom and asked: “Sir Isaac, do you mean to say that we have to go through two thousand years of commentary and strike all “Aristotle” with “Newton?” “Striking down Aristotle’s name!” “No Way!” Doctors murmured in quiet protest. “No way!” No Scholastic ever read any commentary once it was filed in the Library. In fact one of the traditional punishments for pupils was to send them to the library and have them read a recent commentary. It would be a torture to read just one commentary, let alone two thousand years of it. Doctors knew that there was no point in reading someone else’s commentary. It made infinitely more academic sense to write a new commentary on Aristotle and suggest that you have mastered the entire previous literature by citing some strategically selected boilerplate references.

“Quiet!” Newton said. “No need to do that. Going forward your new motto will be, ‘Nature is Newton, Newton is Physics, Physics is Knowledge.’ Now board the train and get back to your desks and start composing those commentaries on Newton. Just remember never mention Aristotle again except as an evil scholastic and a bane on human knowledge for millennia.” The veteran academicians recognized the powerful polemics of this brother scholastic, and accepted the deal. “Aristotle is Dead, Long Live Newton” they chanted as they boarded the train.

Soon, the scholastic train resumed its ride on its old tracks toward eternity, the only change was its new name. The scholastic train which entered the twenty first century was tired and old and the gilded letters on the engine was barely visible. In the meantime the scholastics, who now called themselves physicists, had written so much commentary that there were 7,000 library cars. The old steam engine could hardly move it. To welcome the train of knowledge to the twenty first century major celebrations had been organized by the British and a crowd was chanting that old Newtonian propaganda hymn “Nature is Newton, Newton is Physics, Physics is Knowledge” and believing every word of it.