COLUMBUS, OHIO - A chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by reaching back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of Academic Physicists throughout United States.

The Ohio State Physics Board has accused James Burda of Athens of being "ignorant of laws of physics.” The Ohio State Physics Board, made of internationally recognized Academic Physicists, issued a written warning to Burda.

The long and windy document full of footnotes and equations was run through Google’s Academic Translator ®, Beta Version, to make sense of it. Academic Translator ® converts Academic Gibberish of Physicists into proper Kings English, eliminates all of the higher level notation from equations that physicists are so fond of using, makes all the necessary substitutions of symbols, and eliminates all professional shorthand.

The 777-page document obtained by Underground New Yorker editors was simplified by Academic Translator ® to one (1) sentence which is not printed here for copyright reasons.  

In essence, physicists said that the laws of General Relativity regulates time travel and that time travel is only possible in Spacetimes, not in time. The physicists wrote that since there are more than 700 species of official Spacetimes, all registered in the Archives of Academic Spacetimes Institute also based in Columbus Ohio, there are only a handful of Spacetimes which allows a Ohio Chiropractor to travel in time in a Spacetimes and that Burda was licensed to travel in none of them.  

Burda, on the other hand, retorted in his blog that he traveled in a copyright free generic spacetime and violated no universal copyright laws and claimed that he went through the rigors of crossing through a Hawking wormhole for the good of his patients.  

The Ohio Board dismissed Burda for infringing on the scientific territory of physicists and revoked his license and declared him to be “unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."  

But Burda got support from an unexpected seat of authority. Contradicting the motion of the Ohio Board against Burda the famous crippled Doctor Hawking from Cambridge England issued a statement saying that Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type is a sign of genius not a symptom of Delusional Disorder. Hawking said that he routinely reads the Mind of God, and such an act fits much better the description of Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type then simply traveling in time.

The chair-bound Doctor asked time traveling Doctor Burda for a report of Burda’s experiences as he crossed the Hawking Horizon of the Hawking Wormhole which Burda routinely uses to travel in time, or Spacetime, whatever.  

Burda said the worst part of the journey was his heroic passage through the Hawking Singularity at the heart of the Wormhole. He said he almost gave up and thought of turning back but was afraid of overexposing himself to Hawking radiation.  

Burda said he possesses a skill he discovered while reading crippled Doctor Hawking’s A Brief Story of Spacetimes. Doctor Hawking is the present occupant of Newton’s old wheelchair in Cambridge. Doctor Hawking is routinely listed in Chamber’s Genius Index 500.  

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went back in time and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.  

Burda calls his treatment "Burda-Hawking-Witten Transformations” Burda claims that BHW Transformations is as powerful as any mathematical transformations invented by the Doctors of String theory. String theory applies here because human body is 80 per cent water and 10 per cent string.

Doctor Burda said that BHW Transformations have a soothing vibrational influence and it is based on the Schrodinger wave equation written in string formalism."  

The Board alleges in three counts against Burda that the treatment is unacceptable and constitutes "willful and gross malpractice of physics." Burda has until May 1 to request a hearing. The board can levy penalties ranging from a reprimand to revoking his license to practice to banning him from traveling in any of the 700 spacetimes ®, said Doctor Sol Gravitas, PhD, B.A. J.D. M.A. M.F.A. A.D. B.C. E.T.C..., the Board's executive director.  

Doctor Gravitas said he could not discuss the board's allegations while the investigation continues and could not comment on whether Doctor Burda took any patients with him. Doctor Gravitas said that Doctor Burda needs additional licenses to take any patients with him while traveling in any of the patented Spacetimes ®. According to the Academic Rules of Physicists anyone traveling in any of the Spacetimes ® named after a physicist——all spacetimes are named after one or more physicists—must obtain the so-called safe passage by paying a licensing fee to the author of the spacetimes ®.  

Burda said he travels alone, except that his beagle Singularity sometimes joins him to keep company in the lonely wastelands of the Hawking Wormhole where you can see to infinity on a clear day.

Burda says he has seen no turnpikes or tolls along the way and he never paid any fees and he does not intend to, he said. “It is a free Spacetimes,” he said.